Well last night and today, tons of shiz has been going on. And it's just been a lot to handle. I'm feeling okay right now.. but last night I just had a meltdown. First, let me go into what's been going on.
Yesterday, I had a long-ass day at school (The usual), then a pretty intense work-out/dance rehearsal then I played the part of fill-in-audio-technician with Devon (Edwards) and Dakota (Jones). Oh, and Tyler (Moloney) too. Then we just HAD to go to taco bell haha. Anyway let's start at the beginning. Well in second hour we performed 'At the Round Earths Imagined Corners', 'Dies Irae' and 'Blow Gabriel Blow' for the Yavapai College Choir and they gave us a ton of tips and pointers and what not. It was interesting and there were some cuuuuute boys in that choir. :P It pretty much made my day. But then I went to stupid History and it seemed like class was never going to end.. Then finally it did and I just went along until school was out. John and I went to the little hot dog stand place by home depot because it's kinda tradition now (: I just ate my gardettos that I had because I didn't feel like spending money. But anyway we got to rehearsal and I changed in the backseat of Martini (my car) because I didn't have time to go in and change. Then I freaked out because we were tapping that day and I didn't have any socks! I knew my tap shoes were going to KILL my feet.. :/ Nobody had an extra pair so I just dealt with it. It was pretty horrible. The workout was intense, the dancing was difficult (as we tried to clean it up) and my feet were basically going into a coma.
After rehearsal was finally over, I laid on the stage and I guess I blended in because Devon and Dakota came looking for me because they wanted me to do Audio for a scene with Tyler and Mr. Turner. Apparently Nic (Vanderhorst) was too busy doing his girlfriend (Tori Stone) to show up to filming. So I was there from 6:30 til about 9:45. Then they forced me into Taco Bell and we had a great time. The guy working there (Tim Warner) was joking with us and stood in the window and scared me! Haha it was quite a time. D&D told me a bunch of stuff about how guys act when they like girls and such.. I dunno, Devon acts like he likes me sometimes but I just.. I just don't think that's the case. He throws hints and such but it always seems to be great and then just ends badly.. Like today we filmed the locker scene with Christian Boulet and Kristen Taylor. It was a complete nightmare. They couldn't get their lines right and they just giggled the whole time. It was the most annoying thing I had ever experienced and I just wanted to die. I ended up just walking awway and leaving at one point since shit was not getting done and then they called me back like 10 minutes later. I did my parts then left because I couldn't deal with the stupidity. Christian constantly flirts with Devon and it drives me insane. And he flirts back... I know he likes her.. and it breaks my heart. She's a pretty blonde cheerleader and I'm.. well, I'm just basically nothing. Not in comparison to her. I feel like I am never going to be good enough.. never. Not if I lose weight or if I dye my hair or if I start being nicer.. no matter what, she'll always be better. And it hurts me badly to say that but it's just how it is. Anyways..
I did a tiny bit of set construction today. Like, an hour and half haha. Lacey and I ditched then went home and relaxed. Then we got ready for Jessica's party. I wore a black dress that belongs to my mama and black heels. The dress accented my boobs (; haha! It was pretty exciting.. because Devon showed up and I was hoping he'd think I looked pretty.. and maybe he did. But he never said anything. Who knows. But her party was at the Film Festival place in Sedona and it was a ton of fun! I'm glad I went.
The only weird/bad thing that happened was lacey's new boyfriend (Brian O'Connor) came out to us tonight and said he was bisexual.. he was freaking, thinking there would be issues with their relationship but I said if he didn't cheat or anything that it'd be fine, she wouldn't get upset. And everything was alright.. til he started acting weird to her then she broke into tears after I dropped him off. It broke my heart... she's so sweet and does not deserve all the shit that happens to her. I mean, I guess she just came into his life at a bad time.. but he completely lead her on and I think he should've told her earlier. Now she's sound asleep next to me...probably dreaming of her and brian together without any troubles or problems.. the way that it should be... :(
I feel very odd right now. Like a mixture of sad emotions. I wish that things weren't so hard.. we need to work for some things or we wouldn't appreciate them; but I just wish FOR ONCE, it would come easily for me. And for Lacey too. I haven't felt the feeling of somebody liking me in so long....and I just want Devon to like me. That's all I want with my life right now. To be successful in what I love, and for a boy I like to like me back. I sound like a pathetic little 13 year old but you know, that's just how I feel. I want somebody to hold me feel as if they are holding the world... I want somebody to tickle me then get fake angry when I injure him.. I want somebody to cry with when things get difficult. Is that so much to ask for? I pray for love to God.. if there even is a God... he doesn't answer my prayers. I don't hear his voice or get a sudden epiphany that reveals my true feelings and abilites. It never happens. Ever. I feel as though I've lost all faith and with that, I've lost myself too. I want to do something reckless. I want to jump off a cliff into a cold river, just for the thrill. I need spontaneity in my life.. I'm sick of the games and niavety. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for.. happiness.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Working Hard
So my legs are basically dead; Or my calves for that matter. Monday (Presidents Day), we had a 6 hour rehearsal and learned the "Let's Step Out" dance and it is way intense. I'm pretty sure I am going to break my leg either before the show or during the show. Some of the steps are just so crazy and it's twisting and jumping and tapping and ah! It's fun though. Yesterday, we learned "Take Me Back to Manhattan" and that's definitely my favorite dance out of all of them! It's sexy! I need someone to teach me to dance like that because I'm definitely coming out of my shell, dancing like that! Annnd today, we learned the "De-Lovely" dance which it's not as cute as I hoped it would be, but it's pretty simple for the most part. So from here on out, we just need to POLISH POLISH POLISH!! All of the dances are learned, all of the blocking is finished and we know all the songs (Or at least I do). Gaahh! Opening night is just getting closer and closer! It's about a month and 5 days away! Gosh, I am sooo excited. I just hope I don't make a fool out of myself. Because this is some intense singing and dancing and just, ah! I'm so happy that I've been able to be a part of it. Also, the set has been coming along nicely, we have the top of the ship built and one staircase! Saturday we are all getting together to work on it some more, then Jessica's birthday party is at 8 in Sedona. Lacey is spending the night afterwards :)
So Devon found out that his Spring State Congress thing is actually on a different weekend than Prom. But there is a different Congress thing that he WANTS to go to but doesn't want to miss Prom, so he hasn't decided. I told him that if he decides to go to Prom then the offer as my date still stands and he said thank you very much (: Man... I just really want to go with him.. But I understand that JSA is really important to him and he wants to go to the SoCal Spring State to make a good impression on the people... Well, let's hope for the best. Because I mean, there's not really anybody else that I want to go with.. At least not in that way. I mean, I could ask Andrew (Benassi), my very wonderful and very gay friend. :P But I reaaaally wanna go with Devon. So I think I will wait til like the middle-end of March and see what happens. I dunno. I hope I find somebody to go with, because I am not going alone. Screw that. I wouldn't mind going alone to Homecoming but Prom... you gotta have a date. Haha.
So Craig has basically been trying to come home because he keeps coming here and fixing things around the house and stuff.. but Tina has yet to let him actually come back (thank god). I will never forgive him for the way he acted and the things he said. And the things he's been doing and the stress he's been putting our family through. He's an asshole and I want nothing to do with him. He literally just walked out the door and is leaving (hopefully) for the night. He always parks in my spot and it pisses me off!
So I really wanted to start the HCG diet but Tina doesn't think I will stick to it so she won't get it for me. If only I could find somebody with a credit card... I'd totally pay for it myself. But for now, I am just going to eat a good breakfast, NO LUNCH, and maybe dinner. And if I eat dinner then I am going to eat healthy. Also, I'm going to excersise more and work on becoming thinner. Because I know I won't feel confident dancing all sexy and stuff if I am jiggling everywhere in my short skirt. YEAH. I wish it would just drop all off but I know that's not going to happen. I could do some P90X workouts haha.. yeah right, that's way too intense for me. Kim couldn't even stick to it! lol. But yeah, things have been totally crazy but I am loving it.
So Devon found out that his Spring State Congress thing is actually on a different weekend than Prom. But there is a different Congress thing that he WANTS to go to but doesn't want to miss Prom, so he hasn't decided. I told him that if he decides to go to Prom then the offer as my date still stands and he said thank you very much (: Man... I just really want to go with him.. But I understand that JSA is really important to him and he wants to go to the SoCal Spring State to make a good impression on the people... Well, let's hope for the best. Because I mean, there's not really anybody else that I want to go with.. At least not in that way. I mean, I could ask Andrew (Benassi), my very wonderful and very gay friend. :P But I reaaaally wanna go with Devon. So I think I will wait til like the middle-end of March and see what happens. I dunno. I hope I find somebody to go with, because I am not going alone. Screw that. I wouldn't mind going alone to Homecoming but Prom... you gotta have a date. Haha.
So Craig has basically been trying to come home because he keeps coming here and fixing things around the house and stuff.. but Tina has yet to let him actually come back (thank god). I will never forgive him for the way he acted and the things he said. And the things he's been doing and the stress he's been putting our family through. He's an asshole and I want nothing to do with him. He literally just walked out the door and is leaving (hopefully) for the night. He always parks in my spot and it pisses me off!
So I really wanted to start the HCG diet but Tina doesn't think I will stick to it so she won't get it for me. If only I could find somebody with a credit card... I'd totally pay for it myself. But for now, I am just going to eat a good breakfast, NO LUNCH, and maybe dinner. And if I eat dinner then I am going to eat healthy. Also, I'm going to excersise more and work on becoming thinner. Because I know I won't feel confident dancing all sexy and stuff if I am jiggling everywhere in my short skirt. YEAH. I wish it would just drop all off but I know that's not going to happen. I could do some P90X workouts haha.. yeah right, that's way too intense for me. Kim couldn't even stick to it! lol. But yeah, things have been totally crazy but I am loving it.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
A Very Accomplished Week.
Well, today is Saturday, February 19th. This has been a pretty long week; Just like every other week. We finished blocking the show on Thursday and now we just need to memorize 3 or 4 more dances and polish everything. The "Anything Goes" dance is still pretty difficult for me.... the first part of it is hard to memorize and then the trenches.. oh the trenches. I CAN do them... It just hurts really bad and it takes so much out of me. But I refuse to back down! Below is a picture of some random hig school that performed it.
Dakota Jones has been filming rehearsals and stuff, but once we start taking some pictures and what not then I'll get them on here! For memories sake :) So far, we've learned Blow Gabriel Blow, Bon Voyage and Anything Goes. I'm not in the Heaven Hop (Which I wish I was!) but it's freakin adorable. We only have like a month and half 'til the show opens! It's all coming up so quick... And I'm totally excited but nervous! I know everybody is going to do amazing, if we just keep on keepin on! Haha. So I don't usually like talking about this on here because the bad things are not things I want to remember, but I definitely need to rant. Yesterday I offered Cathy (Furphy) and Jess (Reinhart) rides home because they were both stuck and they live right next to eachother. Then I saw John (Condon) and I was like do you want a ride too? Since he literally lives ON THE WAY to Jess's. Like, I pass his house to get to hers. So Nicole (Ratley) jumps up and says, 'Can I have a ride too?' And it really upset me. I tried to be nice but turned her down because she's totally out of my way. And I was already taking three people home... usually I never gives rides at all. So yeah. Plus Jess and Cathy both offered me gas money but I didn't take it because it was just the fact that they offered it... Plus they don't ask me for rides every five minutes. So anyways now she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Lol. She chose to walk her ass home then complained about her asthma. SHE'S THE ONE THAT DECIDED TO BE A LITTLE BITCH AND WALK HOME. Gosh, sorry, I just get pretty pissed when people act like that. I feel as though I truly did nothing wrong. At all. I wouldn't drive her home. That's all. She started crying and bitched about it on facebook. She's completely ridiculous. I haven't even liked her for like the past year. I never hang out with her on weekends or out of school... because she's annoying. All I do is try to bring up her self esteem and tell her how important she is to the musical and how everybody in theatre will like her and all that. And THIS is how I get treated.. well, I'm through. I'm tired of trying so hard to help her and then she just throws it back in my face. URGH! It's upsetting. ANYWAYS, I'm babysitting Hope right now and she's so intent on forcing me to play Blow Gabriel Blow for her. Terry bought us these fake microphones so we don't have to use banana's :P haha. That was nice. Things have just been so crazy. Craig came back to fix our vent thing and left Tina his car... I think he's at Scott's. But he better not try to come back. I am already refusing to talk to him. Screw him. Whatever. Gross, I have set construction today and tomorrow... then a 6 hour rehearsal on Monday (our day off). This sucks!
Dakota Jones has been filming rehearsals and stuff, but once we start taking some pictures and what not then I'll get them on here! For memories sake :) So far, we've learned Blow Gabriel Blow, Bon Voyage and Anything Goes. I'm not in the Heaven Hop (Which I wish I was!) but it's freakin adorable. We only have like a month and half 'til the show opens! It's all coming up so quick... And I'm totally excited but nervous! I know everybody is going to do amazing, if we just keep on keepin on! Haha. So I don't usually like talking about this on here because the bad things are not things I want to remember, but I definitely need to rant. Yesterday I offered Cathy (Furphy) and Jess (Reinhart) rides home because they were both stuck and they live right next to eachother. Then I saw John (Condon) and I was like do you want a ride too? Since he literally lives ON THE WAY to Jess's. Like, I pass his house to get to hers. So Nicole (Ratley) jumps up and says, 'Can I have a ride too?' And it really upset me. I tried to be nice but turned her down because she's totally out of my way. And I was already taking three people home... usually I never gives rides at all. So yeah. Plus Jess and Cathy both offered me gas money but I didn't take it because it was just the fact that they offered it... Plus they don't ask me for rides every five minutes. So anyways now she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Lol. She chose to walk her ass home then complained about her asthma. SHE'S THE ONE THAT DECIDED TO BE A LITTLE BITCH AND WALK HOME. Gosh, sorry, I just get pretty pissed when people act like that. I feel as though I truly did nothing wrong. At all. I wouldn't drive her home. That's all. She started crying and bitched about it on facebook. She's completely ridiculous. I haven't even liked her for like the past year. I never hang out with her on weekends or out of school... because she's annoying. All I do is try to bring up her self esteem and tell her how important she is to the musical and how everybody in theatre will like her and all that. And THIS is how I get treated.. well, I'm through. I'm tired of trying so hard to help her and then she just throws it back in my face. URGH! It's upsetting. ANYWAYS, I'm babysitting Hope right now and she's so intent on forcing me to play Blow Gabriel Blow for her. Terry bought us these fake microphones so we don't have to use banana's :P haha. That was nice. Things have just been so crazy. Craig came back to fix our vent thing and left Tina his car... I think he's at Scott's. But he better not try to come back. I am already refusing to talk to him. Screw him. Whatever. Gross, I have set construction today and tomorrow... then a 6 hour rehearsal on Monday (our day off). This sucks!Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Just Another Day
So my baby sister has started this thing where like every five minutes I have to play "Blow Gabriel Blow" for her so she can dance and sing. It's disgustingly adorable. Now she's throwing my papers around and singing "Blow Gabe" and it looks like she's kinda trying to tap dance! :D It's so cute! I love her so much.
So today is February 16th and it's basically just another day. We took our ATORT club picture today at lunch and it was pretty cool. We all wore Little Women and Noises Off shirts :P Yup. So in theatre we had this huge super hard test last week and everybody besides like 5 people failed it. I got a B. :) Mr. Ball was so mad that he made us sit in silence for 2 straight hours. Well, it was kinda only an hour... after the first hour we started whispering and eventually began to talk. I sat right in between Zach Romfo and Dylan Power. (: Gosh, I just love both of them so much! Dylan was telling me about how Mr. Ball said I'd be a really good president for ATORT next year and how the program could grow if I were in charge!! It made my whole year! And Zach was talking to me about the future and just about friends and life and musicals and just everything. They are both so fantastic and I'm going to miss them so much next year. I really wish they could just stay another year and we could all graduate together.. :( Honestly, I'm going to cry the night they graduate. Zach Romfo, Dylan Power, Britney Lawler and Alexis Reed have all inspired me so much to be who I am today and it is just going to break my heart to see them go. :(
I've been working on my singing a lot lately. Eh, it's okay. But I really want a lead in the musical next year (Which I don't know which one it is) but I know that I do. It's my dream. But I definitely need to work on every aspect of my singing if I want that to happen... I actually wish I could get singing lessons but I definitely don't have the money for that.. I dunno, I think staying in choir will really help because it helped me get more confidence... I love it. If I could choose a musical and play for next year I honestly don't know what I'd pick, it's always been my dream to be in Grease.. but I know he'd never ever do it. He says he's done it a million times and he wants to do something new.. which makes sense. But still.. I just love it and yeah. Into the Woods would be a fun one. Or Fiddler on the roof (that would be hard) and then there's always the Disney ones! But Ball says he won't do Disney either because he doesn't want people to come see it and then compare our performance to the actual movie... because there's no competition when it comes to that. Haha. Well, I guess we'll just have to see how it goes (: Today they finished the Heaven Hop and I got to have a day off, yay! It felt amazing to just come home and do nothing. I wish I could do it more often, but we have a show to learn! haha!
I dunno.. lately I've just been thinking about how lonely I am and it sucks.. I know I mentioned this in one of my other blogs but I just feel SO lonely all the time.. and I don't know what to do about it. :/ The only guy I'm interested in doesn't want a girlfriend right now. And I have no idea whether or not he likes me and urgh! We won't be filming for a while either because he's going to California for JSA and so yeah.
Craig has been in Phoenix and I guess he's gonna stay there for a while. Good. He tried coming back and Tina laid it all out for him. It was great. She told us that she was finally choosing us.. and she wasn't going to let us suffer because of him anyway. I love her so much, she's such a good mom. I just wish Craig would fix himself so he could come back and we could all be happy. Well, that's all for now(:
So today is February 16th and it's basically just another day. We took our ATORT club picture today at lunch and it was pretty cool. We all wore Little Women and Noises Off shirts :P Yup. So in theatre we had this huge super hard test last week and everybody besides like 5 people failed it. I got a B. :) Mr. Ball was so mad that he made us sit in silence for 2 straight hours. Well, it was kinda only an hour... after the first hour we started whispering and eventually began to talk. I sat right in between Zach Romfo and Dylan Power. (: Gosh, I just love both of them so much! Dylan was telling me about how Mr. Ball said I'd be a really good president for ATORT next year and how the program could grow if I were in charge!! It made my whole year! And Zach was talking to me about the future and just about friends and life and musicals and just everything. They are both so fantastic and I'm going to miss them so much next year. I really wish they could just stay another year and we could all graduate together.. :( Honestly, I'm going to cry the night they graduate. Zach Romfo, Dylan Power, Britney Lawler and Alexis Reed have all inspired me so much to be who I am today and it is just going to break my heart to see them go. :(
I've been working on my singing a lot lately. Eh, it's okay. But I really want a lead in the musical next year (Which I don't know which one it is) but I know that I do. It's my dream. But I definitely need to work on every aspect of my singing if I want that to happen... I actually wish I could get singing lessons but I definitely don't have the money for that.. I dunno, I think staying in choir will really help because it helped me get more confidence... I love it. If I could choose a musical and play for next year I honestly don't know what I'd pick, it's always been my dream to be in Grease.. but I know he'd never ever do it. He says he's done it a million times and he wants to do something new.. which makes sense. But still.. I just love it and yeah. Into the Woods would be a fun one. Or Fiddler on the roof (that would be hard) and then there's always the Disney ones! But Ball says he won't do Disney either because he doesn't want people to come see it and then compare our performance to the actual movie... because there's no competition when it comes to that. Haha. Well, I guess we'll just have to see how it goes (: Today they finished the Heaven Hop and I got to have a day off, yay! It felt amazing to just come home and do nothing. I wish I could do it more often, but we have a show to learn! haha!
I dunno.. lately I've just been thinking about how lonely I am and it sucks.. I know I mentioned this in one of my other blogs but I just feel SO lonely all the time.. and I don't know what to do about it. :/ The only guy I'm interested in doesn't want a girlfriend right now. And I have no idea whether or not he likes me and urgh! We won't be filming for a while either because he's going to California for JSA and so yeah.
Craig has been in Phoenix and I guess he's gonna stay there for a while. Good. He tried coming back and Tina laid it all out for him. It was great. She told us that she was finally choosing us.. and she wasn't going to let us suffer because of him anyway. I love her so much, she's such a good mom. I just wish Craig would fix himself so he could come back and we could all be happy. Well, that's all for now(:
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