Well last night and today, tons of shiz has been going on. And it's just been a lot to handle. I'm feeling okay right now.. but last night I just had a meltdown. First, let me go into what's been going on.
Yesterday, I had a long-ass day at school (The usual), then a pretty intense work-out/dance rehearsal then I played the part of fill-in-audio-technician with Devon (Edwards) and Dakota (Jones). Oh, and Tyler (Moloney) too. Then we just HAD to go to taco bell haha. Anyway let's start at the beginning. Well in second hour we performed 'At the Round Earths Imagined Corners', 'Dies Irae' and 'Blow Gabriel Blow' for the Yavapai College Choir and they gave us a ton of tips and pointers and what not. It was interesting and there were some cuuuuute boys in that choir. :P It pretty much made my day. But then I went to stupid History and it seemed like class was never going to end.. Then finally it did and I just went along until school was out. John and I went to the little hot dog stand place by home depot because it's kinda tradition now (: I just ate my gardettos that I had because I didn't feel like spending money. But anyway we got to rehearsal and I changed in the backseat of Martini (my car) because I didn't have time to go in and change. Then I freaked out because we were tapping that day and I didn't have any socks! I knew my tap shoes were going to KILL my feet.. :/ Nobody had an extra pair so I just dealt with it. It was pretty horrible. The workout was intense, the dancing was difficult (as we tried to clean it up) and my feet were basically going into a coma.
After rehearsal was finally over, I laid on the stage and I guess I blended in because Devon and Dakota came looking for me because they wanted me to do Audio for a scene with Tyler and Mr. Turner. Apparently Nic (Vanderhorst) was too busy doing his girlfriend (Tori Stone) to show up to filming. So I was there from 6:30 til about 9:45. Then they forced me into Taco Bell and we had a great time. The guy working there (Tim Warner) was joking with us and stood in the window and scared me! Haha it was quite a time. D&D told me a bunch of stuff about how guys act when they like girls and such.. I dunno, Devon acts like he likes me sometimes but I just.. I just don't think that's the case. He throws hints and such but it always seems to be great and then just ends badly.. Like today we filmed the locker scene with Christian Boulet and Kristen Taylor. It was a complete nightmare. They couldn't get their lines right and they just giggled the whole time. It was the most annoying thing I had ever experienced and I just wanted to die. I ended up just walking awway and leaving at one point since shit was not getting done and then they called me back like 10 minutes later. I did my parts then left because I couldn't deal with the stupidity. Christian constantly flirts with Devon and it drives me insane. And he flirts back... I know he likes her.. and it breaks my heart. She's a pretty blonde cheerleader and I'm.. well, I'm just basically nothing. Not in comparison to her. I feel like I am never going to be good enough.. never. Not if I lose weight or if I dye my hair or if I start being nicer.. no matter what, she'll always be better. And it hurts me badly to say that but it's just how it is. Anyways..
I did a tiny bit of set construction today. Like, an hour and half haha. Lacey and I ditched then went home and relaxed. Then we got ready for Jessica's party. I wore a black dress that belongs to my mama and black heels. The dress accented my boobs (; haha! It was pretty exciting.. because Devon showed up and I was hoping he'd think I looked pretty.. and maybe he did. But he never said anything. Who knows. But her party was at the Film Festival place in Sedona and it was a ton of fun! I'm glad I went.
The only weird/bad thing that happened was lacey's new boyfriend (Brian O'Connor) came out to us tonight and said he was bisexual.. he was freaking, thinking there would be issues with their relationship but I said if he didn't cheat or anything that it'd be fine, she wouldn't get upset. And everything was alright.. til he started acting weird to her then she broke into tears after I dropped him off. It broke my heart... she's so sweet and does not deserve all the shit that happens to her. I mean, I guess she just came into his life at a bad time.. but he completely lead her on and I think he should've told her earlier. Now she's sound asleep next to me...probably dreaming of her and brian together without any troubles or problems.. the way that it should be... :(
I feel very odd right now. Like a mixture of sad emotions. I wish that things weren't so hard.. we need to work for some things or we wouldn't appreciate them; but I just wish FOR ONCE, it would come easily for me. And for Lacey too. I haven't felt the feeling of somebody liking me in so long....and I just want Devon to like me. That's all I want with my life right now. To be successful in what I love, and for a boy I like to like me back. I sound like a pathetic little 13 year old but you know, that's just how I feel. I want somebody to hold me feel as if they are holding the world... I want somebody to tickle me then get fake angry when I injure him.. I want somebody to cry with when things get difficult. Is that so much to ask for? I pray for love to God.. if there even is a God... he doesn't answer my prayers. I don't hear his voice or get a sudden epiphany that reveals my true feelings and abilites. It never happens. Ever. I feel as though I've lost all faith and with that, I've lost myself too. I want to do something reckless. I want to jump off a cliff into a cold river, just for the thrill. I need spontaneity in my life.. I'm sick of the games and niavety. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for.. happiness.
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